If you haven’t noticed, I am a bit put out by the He Men Woman Haters Club deciding to boycott the League of Women Voters candidate forums. If you read the newspapers, you will see that many people agree with me. So in the interest of public service I have decided to adopt the style of Clint Eastwood and ask the questions to an empty chair, and answer them myself.
These candidates are welcome to contact me if they think they can do better at answering the questions than I can.
<<Bangs Gavel>> I call this candidate forum to order. Welcome to the first (and hopefully last) Carver County Current Candidate Forum. First question is for Tom Workman: Is it true that you work as a Lobbyist in St Paul and as a County Commissioner?
Empty Chair Workman: Yes, that is true. In fact I recently successfully lobbied for a million-dollar swimming pool at a Minneapolis Park, but couldn’t secure any money for the Highway 101 bridge. I guess you could say that my lobbyist job is more important to me than my job as an elected official. Please make sure you read the Carver County Current Article “Tom Workman: Lobbyist” for all the details.
Second Question is for Ernie Leidiger: Did your company sell porn before it went out of business?
Empty Chair Ernie: Yes, in fact we liquidated all of Shinders’ inventory including the 20,000 porn movies and magazines. You can read about it on the Brick City Blog.
Next question is for Tom Workman: It says here that your house is in foreclosure and that you have trouble paying your taxes on time. Do you expect people to trust you to manage the County’s finances when you can’t manage your own?
Empty Chair Workman: Yes, I do. I’m not even campaigning or putting up signs because, and this my little secret, I think the people of Carver County are stupid and will vote for me no matter what. And I’m counting on it, since without my $50,000 a year County Commissioner job I would probably have to go and work for a living. I can’t have that, so vote for me! You can read all about my financial failures, but you won’t because, as I said, you are stupid.
Ernie: Do you just not pay taxes in Minnesota? Or do you cheat on your taxes in any other states?
Empty Chair Ernie: Oh no. I was cheating on my taxes and trying to avoid paying them all the back to the mid-1990s in California. I didn’t start not paying my taxes in Minnesota until after I took a $500,000 loan from Uncle Sam. As you can see, I am very experienced in financial mismanagement.
Next question is for Frank Long: You claim to have boycotted the League of Women Voters forum because of your extreme political views don’t match with theirs, but you really just don’t want to answer questions about your criminal past, right?
Empty Chair Frank: That’s right. I have three DWI convictions on my record, and well, I don’t want anyone digging into my past to see if there is anything else. Because you voters have to believe whatever lies I tell and don’t you dare dig up any facts. It is better that I lie about my motives so that I don’t have to lie about my criminal record, isn’t it? Is it really a lie if you are lying about lying?
Next question is for Ernie: Who is Carolyn Hoerneman and why is your campaign paying her phone bill every month?
Empty Chair Ernie: Nobody looks at those campaign finance reports unless you do something stupid like paying for a speeding ticket out of your campaign fund. Carolyn is my special friend, she talks to me on the phone when I am lonely. Besides, I donated my own money to my campaign because no one else will support me. Therefore it is my money and I can spend it however I want.
Empty Chair Ernie: THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS IS LYING ABOUT VOTER ID!!!
Sure, right…Commissioner Workman, your opponent says you didn’t show up for about half of the Transportation Advisory Board meetings that you were paid to attend, and that the other Commissioners replaced you on the TAB because of your poor attendance record. Do you agree with her assessment?
Empty Chair Workman: THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTER IS REALLY THE CARVER COUNTY DEMOCRAT PARTY!!
Right, OK. Next Question is for Frank Long: Besides your familiarity with the criminal justice systems on Minnesota and Florida, what qualifies you to be a County Commissioner?
Empty Chair Frank: THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS ARE A BUNCH OF COMMUNISTS!!!!
Umm…sure. How about Jim Walter: same question. What have you accomplished in your life to give people confidence that you will make a good County Commissioner?
Empty Chair Jim: I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE ARE YELLING ABOUT!! LOUD NOISES!!!!
OK……..moving along then. Vince Beaudette: You initially agreed to the League of Women Voters Forum, but then these other clowns talked you into the boycott. Do you flip-flop on everything?
Empty Chair Vince: I HATE WOMEN VOTERS!! Wait, no…I mean I like women, just not the ones who vote. That sounds bad, hang on. I don’t hate individual women voters, just when they form into Leagues. No, that’s not it. Can you repeat the question? Hang on. I got it: Voting is not a sport, and women should not form leagues. Or maybe they should. Vote for Vince!